Old Guys, Pornography, The Future
I’ve spent the past 30 years assessing and reporting on every conceivable aspect of cybersecurity. As cliché as it sounds, I was once asked by Agent Steal (Justin Petersen) to become the dominant force in performing penetration tests against a catalog of major porn sites, which I declined to do because I was 23 and apparently hated money. Interestingly enough, we were speaking because someone spoofed an email to from him to me where he indicated that I was some sort of know-nothing kodez kid and that I should get a job at a grocery store. I remember this because he had a prosthetic leg, and I wrote back to him that I was going to beat him with it. Where am I going with this? Well, his email was spoofed. I asked if I could be paid in blowjobs.
We laughed about this for a while. He was actually a remarkably chill guy for everything he had been through and we kept in touch on occasion. We talked a lot about the future of porn, teledildonics, etc, and of course, cybersecurity.
The Internet of Dingalings
Beep boop bop boop the future is here.
‘
The story of Agent Steal, Porn Cyber Security King occurred circa 1998 or so. I know this because our company, MCR rented 5000 sft on Sutter & Taylor in SF for approximately $4000 per mo, which is about the price of a latte today.
A LOT has changed since then. We’ve essentially connected every single thing to the internet – watches, phones, refrigerators, and now of course, blowjob machines. This article at Knapsack News is stunning. While I mostly have jokes about beta testing, I have so many questions about this thing, it’s security features, it’s limitations, etc.
The Third “Heading” – What are the Risks?
What if Cyberkitty Gets Too Frisky?
I’ve worked on SCADA devices that control oil pump rotation frequency and other such weird industrial functions where one changed configuration can intentionally or unintentionally kill people. So let’s just go over the relative risks of an internet-connected bj tube, and what questions we might ask ourselves:
- What base hardware is this thing built on? What ICs are in it?
- Is it a reference platform like raspi?
- Is it all custom ASICs/FPGAs? Who tested this code?
- Does it use secure transport to talk to the internet?
- Is the hosting service that provides “downloadable blowjobs” secure? Can someone own it and distribute malware blowjobs?
- What IP services listen on the AutoBlow?
- What are the upper bounds of the motor that is in it? If your dick tube gets owned, can it infact tear your junk off?
The Naked Truth
While I do find the idea of an IP-enabled BJ machine to be utterly hilarious and at $300, a great gift for your bestie, I am super concerned about people connecting a thing to the internet that they put their junk into. Knowing everything we know about malware, embedded system attacks, etc, what are the odds that someone figures out how to get it to clamp down on you just hard enough that you absolutely pay the ransomware fees?
